I Almost Fell Into That Trap

“In the raw”
#StuffRareSays

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Let me first start by asking, “Did y’all enjoy that teaser?”

hippo spring rocker

I don’t usually post anything raw or unedited but since it’s been a while that you’ve heard from me, I figured why the hewl not?

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And so…….

I dropped an almost poem.

“I’d like to say thanks to those of you who reached to me afterwards. Legit hit me in the feels.”

feels

Let’s go!!!

I’ve been walking around in a giant cloud of smoke for the last few months.

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Not literally guys!!

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Come on now…..

 

As this New Year 2019 kicked off, so did a furious series of events.

From the personal relationships in my life crumbling….

Career mishaps and changes….

Family goals rearranging…..

Activist work stalling…

TO…..

Blogging halting….

I did it!!!

I almost smashed right into that giant brick wall we ALL like to call

ROAD BLOCK!!!!!

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It hasn’t been easy.

We’re talking one tribulation after another,
after another,
after 3 more,
after 18 more after THAT!!!

To be honest, I burnt myself out in the process.

Here’s why:

In the start of the School year 2018, I bit off more than I could chew. While, I managed to toggle it all….. Like a boss, I ended the season off by injuring my knee pretty bad. Not only, did this put me out of work for a month, it also changed my perspective of my place of employment severely.

Given the circumstances around the situation I just wasn’t doing THAT anymore.

Therefore, I had to …. Chill.

After chilling out for a moment and getting myself semi back on track, everything crashed right back into hyper drive.

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With my activist work…

More often than not, things just occur. All you activists out there can relate that when you get called into action, you’re either on it, or

you’re not.

“A remarkable activist always comes through.” #StuffRareSays

That’s when it all started.

Let’s just say….. The people in my personal life didn’t offer much emotional support to help get me through that experience…… AND…… It wasn’t easy.

Let me just get real for one moment:

When you go into large groups of people heaviily and emotionally involved in something bigger than themselves, you deal with an array of people;

ASSHOLES.
Bullies.
People who think their better than you.
Other people’s bull crap.
Negative Nancy’s.
Personality conflicts.
And much more!!!

It is emotionally and physically draining.

“When you lack the proper emotional support, you fall apart and the situations in your personal life WILL began to crumble.” #StuffRareSays

As the weeks progressed, I picked up another job. However, the joint wasn’t busy enough to sustain my little humble abode sufficiently. Therefore, I had to pick up a second PART TIME job. Even though it was meant to be part-time, they threw me in there full time and full throttle.

Yeh… This summer kicked my BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Hear it?

The wall.

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There were too many expectations being demanded out of me and too many people demanding my time, hard work and attention
All WITHOUT…
ever once wondering if I was good.

or…

Checking in to see if RareBear was doing OK.

She wasn’t.
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She was…
ALONE.

That’s when it happened.

I love the people in my personal life.
I’ll move mountains for them.
If you take care of me, I’ll take even more care of you.

If that care is lacking, I’ll distance and barricade myself.

And…

I did.

I just couldn’t no more with anything or anyone.

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And so….

I DIDN’T

But hey tho…..

Thanks for understanding. Per ushhh.

Y’all are amazing.
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You see…..

I almost lost myself ….   AGAIN… in the process.

Until, the business meeting that changed it all.

I sat at that table carrying all the weight, pain and stress that I’d just accumulated for the last few months and it was noticeable.

“What happened to you?” A business associate asked.

“What do you mean?” I fished.

‘Something is different.” They asked.

I began to vaguely breakdown some things I’d been holding in and needed to speak about.

After an empowering talk, my friend finally concluded with a statement that not only changed my mood but virtually kicked my bottom right back onto the train tracks of it’s original course.

“I miss the girl I met a year and a half ago. Now that girl… The one who was running for council… She knew where she was going, and she knew what she was doing and she spoke it with confidence. That girl was going places. Who in the world came into your life and took all that confidence away? Where is the girl I first met?”

BOOM!!!

It hit me like a bruising slap to the face.

If for only a few minutes, I sat in silence thinking about so many aspects of my life… I’d realized I may have possibly given too much of myself away and it was time to stop giving myself away and giving myself more of me. 

While, I still love my people’s and always will, I had to realize no one was going to care about whats going on with me other than me. 

And so…. I walked away from that meeting…

Remembering who I was.

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SHE’S BACK!!!

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!

 REEEEEEE WINDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!

Let’s talk about that:

The day my little light bulb turned on again:

It was a lovely, early, summer morning brunch at the restaurant and I was just into the beginning of my two job transition. A group of tourists from out of town came through, and sat down in my section. One gentleman ordered a cappuccino, and the rest stuck with water. At least, until they’d received their food and ordered sodas.

I put some love into the drinks I make because I want them to put a smile on your face.
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A few minutes after bringing the gentleman his cappuccino, I asked him how it was. He was happy. That made me happy.

Good vibes.

As the group got settled in more, the questions came.
Best sight-seeing? Good eats? Etc….

And so…..

I offered resources.

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I’m not really sure how the conversation stirred in the direction it went but….
That’s when it happened.

 

She be rare
and
she be wise.
Truth be told,
she doesn’t try.
Out of her hands.
It comes in strides.
Even sometimes….
Out of her control.
It just…..
slips out.
©Rarenwise 7-19-19

 

I DID NOT recite that poem as my response to the gentleman drinking his coffee, my response did involve individual trials and never knowing when someone else’s reactions and Reponses are merely a result of their inner pain bla bla bla be nice you never know when someone’s hurting bit I’ve mentioned here many times. 
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As I was laying plates onto the table, I noticed the coffee was finished. I asked him a final time how the cappuccino was?
Would you like another?

He replied, “No thanks, one was enough for me and it was amazing by the way.”

I began to smile and say, “Thank you.”
When he interjected and added, “What made it better was the wisdom that came along with it.”

A man old enough to be my father legit just gave me the chills. I said thank you and we carried on.

“It’s not about your age that defines your maturity level. It is your experiences that mature you.”#StuffRareSays

I received quite the amazing tip off that table that day and some amazing compliments as far as service goes.

My coworker didn’t seem too happy about that and began to do things with intention to sabotage me.
One thing. Right. After. Another.

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It was that day that I realzied this blog really does … achieve.
Thank you all for tuning in and being part of it.
Whether you started with me on day one, day 6, 300, or millionth….
Thank you for staying tuned…. 

 

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